FAIRBANKS, AI: A Play in Two Acts
Stock image licensed for use. Edited.
Cast of Characters
JORDAN: 25 years old. His son. Freelance writer and college graduate. Despite enjoying the freedom of his work and his home, he wavers between being a free spirit and a spirit adrift.
AI VOICE: The embodied voice of an AI Assistant. Always communicates with an over-the-top pleasantness and professionalism that sounds hollow.
IAN: 30 years old. Employee at Central AI Agency.
GEN (ENSEMBLE 1): 40 years old. Employee at Central AI Agency.
AL (ENSEMBLE 2): 60 years old. Employee at Central AI Agency.
AVA (ENSEMBLE 3): 25 years old. Employee at Central AI Agency.
GEMMA (ENSEMBLE 4): 25 years old. Employee at Central AI Agency.
TV DELIVERYMAN: 30 years old. Only heard from offstage.
*Note: AI VOICE, IAN, and TV DELIVERYMAN should all be played by the same actor.
Any character may be played by any gender, ethnicity, or age of actor. Pronouns and names may be changed throughout the script at the director’s discretion. The names of the supporting characters GEN, AL, AVA, and GEMMA can also be altered if the director deems necessary.
Place
A cabin in Fairbanks, AK
Time
A foreseeable near-future
ACT I
SCENE I
SETTING: Interior of FATHER’s dry cabin outside of Fairbanks, Alaska. It is evening. The temperature is 50 degrees below zero and the sun set hours ago. There is an overstuffed, well-worn couch near the woodstove at STAGE LEFT. A small table with a small TV is near the woodstove. A recliner also rests near the woodstove. A small kitchen, including a refrigerator and oven, and dining room table are STAGE RIGHT. A trash can is UPSTAGE CENTER, while the exterior door is DOWNSTAGE RIGHT. A small dividing wall UPSTAGE CENTER separates the kitchen and living room, allowing a corner staircase leading to two bedrooms to be in the middle of the cabin.
AT RISE: FATHER is bent behind the TV pulling on the cords.
FATHER
Come on, come on, you stupid—
(With a grunt, he frees the TV. He carefully picks it up. He walks toward the door, STAGE RIGHT, as JORDAN enters from the UPSTAGE CENTER stairs.)
JORDAN
Something wrong with the TV?
FATHER
Everything’s wrong with TV.
JORDAN
Ha ha.
(Beat.)
But really, what are you doing?
(FATHER sets the TV down near the exterior door.)
FATHER
I’m finally doing it.
JORDAN
Coming down with cabin fever?
(JORDAN moves to sit down on couch and checks his phone. FATHER heads to kitchen. He grabs a beer from the refrigerator before heading to his recliner.)
FATHER
You know I’ve never liked having a TV in the house.
JORDAN
No?
FATHER
Nope.
JORDAN
Dad, you’re the one who got one.
FATHER
Well, I regret it.
JORDAN (smiling)
Okay.
FATHER (drinking his beer)
I mean it. Sure, football was nice for a while. Sure, there are a lot of great war movies… Haven’t finished that one documentary yet… Those shows about surviving in the arctic were great…
JORDAN
Careful, you’ll get hooked again.
FATHER
Nope. I’m done. Cutting the cord. Fresh slate. I’ll be glad to never see a TV in this house again.
JORDAN
And today is the day to get rid of it? Just like that?
FATHER
Yes.
JORDAN
I mean, I’m on your side, I’ve never cared for it either. But it’s like 60 below out there. What are you going to do to relax? You’ve got to find a way to hibernate like the rest of us.
(JORDAN checks his phone.)
FATHER
I have sat in this chair drinking beer and staring at a screen for the past two weeks waiting for a snowstorm or a call from Rodney down at the shop. I’m tired of hibernating. My New Year’s resolution is to pick up a new hobby and stop staring at a screen.
(FATHER gets up and goes to the kitchen. Opens several drawers looking for something until he finds it. Comes back to his recliner without making his find clear.)
JORDAN
Dad, it’s February.
FATHER
Well, call it my it’s-been-too-long-since-we’ve-had-snow resolution. I’m not going to become a TV zombie. I’m going to whittle.
(FATHER produces the items he found in the kitchen. A whittling knife and wood block. He inspects them both proudly before he whittles. While his form is correct he has never whittled before.)
JORDAN (smirking)
I don’t think you’re supposed to be drinking when you do that.
FATHER
Nonsense. It helps with creativity.
JORDAN
Yeah, creative ways to get stitches. Besides, I thought you hated whittling.
FATHER
I do not hate whittling.
(Beat.)
Just thought it was a waste of time. Now I’ve got nothing but time…
JORDAN (unconvinced)
Yeah, I suppose.
FATHER
It’ll be good. Work on my dexterity. Fight off arthritis. Probably even make some money off it, just you watch.
JORDAN
Okay, Dad.
(Beat.)
FATHER (convincing himself)
Cutting the cord. Going tech free. Couldn’t stand that thing looking at me all day.
JORDAN
It’s still looking at you.
(JORDAN points to TV near door. FATHER looks at it uncomfortably. His knife slips, cutting his finger.)
FATHER
Shit!
JORDAN
What happened?
FATHER
This damn… That screen!
(FATHER points to TV.)
JORDAN (laughing)
I think it’s the beer.
(FATHER stands, holding his finger,and walks over to the TV.)
FATHER
I’ve had enough. Goodbye, mindless entertainment.
(FATHER picks up TV, walks to door,awkwardly tries to open it.)
JORDAN
Do you need—?
FATHER
No! Just go back to your little friend there.
(He opens door and walks out with TV. He comes back in a moment later and quickly shuts the door, rubbing his hands. He crosses to the kitchen and wraps a paper towel around his finger during the following.)
JORDAN
I don’t know what you want me to do, I’m checking on work.
FATHER
Uh-huh.
It’s not mindless entertainment for me. It’s not like I’m on my phone all day.
(Beat.)
It’ll be just a few more minutes. I just need to check emails and look at a few projects.
FATHER
Your writing stuff?
JORDAN
Yes.
FATHER
Huh.
(FATHER heads to recliner and resumes whittling, albeit slightly more carefully and with a few moments of wincing throughout the scene.)
JORDAN
What?
FATHER
They’re always looking for extra guys for plowing snow, you know.
JORDAN (checking his phone)
Yeah.
FATHER
Rodney’s shop’s a little slow this month but he’s slammed all summer. Make good money, working on engines.
JORDAN
Yeah, I’m sure.
FATHER
What about the college?
JORDAN
What about it?
FATHER
I’m sure they have writing stuff up there. I bet they like hiring their graduates. Makes ‘em look good.
JORDAN
I don’t want to work at the college.
FATHER
If you need me to, I could talk to Rodney.
JORDAN
About what?
FATHER
A job.
JORDAN
I have a job.
FATHER
I mean, like a full-time job.
JORDAN
I know.
FATHER
Just thought you’d like to get out and try something. I’d go nuts sitting in a chair all day.
JORDAN
Dad, you sit in your truck.
FATHER
It’s different.
JORDAN
How?
FATHER (frustrated, raising his voice)
I said, it’s different.
(Beat.)
JORDAN
Okay.
(JORDAN looks at phone. Beat.)
FATHER
This whittling’s not so bad.
(Beat. He calms down.)
Relaxing.
(Beat.)
With this first block I think I’ll make a remote control.
(He looks up at JORDAN. His eyes smile. JORDAN smiles too and gets in on the joke.)
JORDAN
Okay, Dad. Sounds like a great plan. You know no one uses remotes anymore, right? TVs are all voice activated now.
FATHER
Not in my house it isn’t.
JORDAN
Before long it’ll be controlled by your thoughts.
FATHER
Huh. Don’t even say that.
JORDAN (on his phone)
That’s not even half of it.
FATHER
Yeah?
JORDAN
People are putting them on their faces these days.
FATHER
What?
JORDAN
TVs.
FATHER
Are you serious?
JORDAN
Yup. VR. Virtual reality.
FATHER
Huh. No thank you.
JORDAN
I know. You can even get a treadmill thing so you can walk in place in your living room.
(FATHER makes a disgusted sound.)
I ordered you a set. Thought it’d be good for you. I think there’s even a virtual plow truck we can set up for you.
FATHER (only half-joking)
If I ever strap a screen to my face you just take me out back, alright?
JORDAN
I know, Dad. No more screens for you.
FATHER
It’s better that way. Have you seen what video games did to that kid in the news, by the way?
JORDAN (sighing)
Hang on, I need a beer before you start talking about the news.
(JORDAN heads to refrigerator and grabs a beer. He takes a drink standing in the kitchen before looking at the door. He tries to distract his FATHER from bringing up the news.)
You think the screen is cracked yet from the cold?
FATHER
Who knows.
JORDAN
Probably ruined already.
FATHER
What is?
JORDAN
The TV.
FATHER
Really?
JORDAN
Yeah, the LCD screen will crack when it freezes.
FATHER
Huh. I thought that was only with batteries.
JORDAN
No, LCD is liquid… Liquid something. It freezes and cracks in the cold.
FATHER
Coulda sworn it was the moisture inside people were worried about.
JORDAN
Oh, yeah, maybe that, too. I don’t know…
(Beat.)
FATHER
Plastic does that, too. Try working on a car out there. Everything plastic just cracks. Just not designed for temperatures up here.
JORDAN
Yeah, I don’t think there’s much technology designed with Fairbanks in mind.(Beat.)
FATHER
Exactly. I love this place.
(Blackout.)
SCENE 2
SETTING: Interior of FATHER’s cabin. One week later. It is evening. The temperature is 20 degrees above zero and the sun set hours ago.
AT RISE: JORDAN is lounging on the couch looking at his phone. He has his phone in his hand for the entirety of the scene. FATHER enters from exterior door and removes his coat, boots, etc. during the following.
FATHER
Whew. Now that’s more like it. Didn’t know what to do with all these cold days we’ve been having.
(FATHER heads to his recliner.)
JORDAN (without looking up)
Yeah.
FATHER
All done with work already?
JORDAN
Yeah.
FATHER
Yeah, I figured.
(FATHER picks up his whittling block and knife. Beat.)
Lot warmer than the other day.
(Beat.)
Been a week since we’ve even dipped below zero.
(Beat.)
Didn’t let the fire go out, did you?
JORDAN
No, dad.
FATHER
Someone’s gotta do dishes tonight.
JORDAN
Yeah, I will.
FATHER
Ain’t gonna wash themselves.
JORDAN
I’m just looking at jobs.
FATHER
I thought you already had a job. Your writing stuff? Doesn’t that keep you busy?
JORDAN
It’s freelance work. I’ve got to keep looking for new jobs. That’s just how it works.
(Beat.)
Practically everyone wants a remote job, so it’s really competitive right now. I’m thinking about branching out into AI prompt engineering, since all the writing jobs will probably be AI soon anyway. I’m just trying to prepare for the real world.
FATHER
Huh. Can’t plow driveways from the couch. Now that it’s snowed I can’t keep up with the work I have. You should see the line of people needing their driveways plowed. We could always get a second truck.
JORDAN
No thanks.
FATHER
I figured.
(Beat.)
Find anything?
JORDAN
What?
FATHER
Work. Find anything?
JORDAN
I’m not sure. This looks promising though, there’s an AI trainer job looking for regional applicants. It’s not really writing, though. Better than no work I suppose…
FATHER
AI trainer?
JORDAN (looking at his phone)
Yeah, you know, artificial intelligence? They’ll pay you to create prompts and rate them. Basically just talking to an AI assistant and getting paid for it. Looks pretty mindless but I guess I could use the work right now.
FATHER
Pays well?
(JORDAN reads over the job description.)
JORDAN
Well, the base rate isn’t great, but they offer weekly bonuses and lightning streak bonuses and then there’s ninja hour—
(Looks up at FATHER’s blank stare, looks down.)
Yes, it pays well.
(Beat.)
FATHER
They have that up here?
JORDAN
What?
FATHER
‘Regional applicants.’ They hiring up here?
JORDAN (still reading)
Yeah. It’s called the Alaskan Interior Artificial Intelligence Organization. AIAIO.
(FATHER looks at JORDAN. Beat.)
FATHER
A-I-A-I-O?
(Beat.)
Old MacDonald come up with that?
JORDAN
No, it’s a real thing. There’s not even an application, I just need to sign up.
FATHER
Huh.
JORDAN
I’m signing up for it. I can just stop working when I don’t want to anymore. Couldn’t hurt.
(AI VOICE’s face is projected onto a large UPSTAGE screen, responding in real time to Jordan’s in-app text messages, which he speaks aloud while typing. Alternatively, AI VOICE enters and stands near the door, though is not physically present or visible by anyone during the play. Nothing JORDAN says to AI VOICE, and nothing AI VOICE says in response, is heard by FATHER.)
AI VOICE
Hello! Thank you for signing up for the Alaskan Interior Artificial Intelligence Organization chapter of the Central Artificial Intelligence Agency. I’m your AIAIO AI assistant, ready to answer any questions in a friendly, conversational tone. Go ahead and ask any question you would ask a personal assistant or professional in your field. Your interactions will go a long way in continuing to make AI safe, effective, and culturally appropriate in your community. I have in-depth knowledge of many fields and am happy to assist you. Are you ready to get started?
JORDAN (typing)
Yes.
AI VOICE
Great! I already have your personal information and browser history. Let’s get started. Just ask me any question.
JORDAN (typing)
Umm…?
AI VOICE
Not sure what to ask? That’s fine! I have plenty of suggestions. Would you like to talk about survival in the harsh, arctic wilderness? How about discussing your daily life in the farthest north city in the United States? Do you wish to know what it’s like to live away from the remote, unforgiving landscape that you call home?
JORDAN (typing)
No. None of those. Please don’t mention any of those again.
AI VOICE
My apologies! I see there’s someone else in the room with you. Would you prefer to talk to that person? I can provide conversation tips to assist you in communicating with your friend.
JORDAN (typing)
That’s my dad. How did you see–
FATHER
I don’t know if I’d like to talk to a machine all day.
(JORDAN looks up.)
JORDAN
What?
FATHER
I said, I don’t know if I’d like talking to a robot. All that AI business.
JORDAN
Yeah. You probably wouldn’t…
(JORDAN looks at his phone. Beat. He’s hesitant but curious. Types to AI VOICE.)
Okay. What should I say?
AI VOICE
To better assist you, I need to know more about your situation. Please hold your phone up and turn it in a circle.
(JORDAN is confused but complies.)
Great! It looks like your father lives in a desolate, arctic wilderness. You could ask him—
JORDAN
Please stop.
AI VOICE
Sure! My apologies. I see cross-country skis. You could ask him about his latest ski trip. Just say this:
AI VOICE/JORDAN
Hey Dad, have you had a chance to go cross-country skiing lately?
(FATHER looks up.)
FATHER
No, I wish, the last few snowstorms have kept me in my truck. And then with that cold snap we just had… Past few years we haven’t gotten snow like this but it’s been brutal. Remember that—
(FATHER continues to talk silently.)
AI VOICE
Please rate the conversation.
JORDAN (typing)
What?
AI VOICE
Please rate the appropriateness of the conversation starter between you and your father.
JORDAN (typing)
Good. It seems like it worked well, he’s talking to me so–
FATHER
—Did you hear any of that?
JORDAN (to FATHER)
What?
FATHER
I said, did you hear any of that?
JORDAN
Oh, yeah, I was just—
FATHER
Well anyway, if you’re interested, we could—
(FATHER continues to speak, though not heard by the audience or JORDAN.)
AI VOICE
I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your response. Please rate your conversation starter on a scale of one to ten and provide a quality score out of five stars.
JORDAN (typing)
It was fine.
AI VOICE
I’m sorry, please use the conversation rating scale to—
JORDAN
Okay! Seven out of ten and four stars!
FATHER
Four stars?
(JORDAN looks at FATHER, realizing he said his last comment out loud.)
JORDAN
Oh, no, sorry, it’s just…
(He holds up his phone.)
FATHER
AIAIO?
(He laughs.)
This generation…
(Beat. He returns to whittling.)
Hey, you hear ‘bout that airplane in the news?
JORDAN (distracted)
No, I didn’t, what happened?
FATHER
Everyone’s saying it was something with the door. Sucked someone out of the plane.
JORDAN (not listening)
Wow, that’s unbelievable.
FATHER
That’s not even the worst part, they say it was all because—
(FATHER continues talking, without looking up to see if JORDAN is listening. He is unheard by the audience.)
AI VOICE
Your father’s information contains several significant errors.
(JORDAN laughs to himself.)
JORDAN (typing)
Tell me something new.
AI VOICE
The direct cause of the issue was with a failure in the manufacturing process and no one was removed from the airplane in any incident.
JORDAN (interrupting his father)
This says that it was caused in the manufacturing process. Says everyone was fine and stayed in the plane.
FATHER
Really?
(JORDAN nods. Beat.)
Can’t always trust what you read, though can you?
JORDAN
Well, where did you hear about it?
FATHER
Rodney.
JORDAN
Uh-huh. And you can trust everything Rodney says? Where did he hear it?
FATHER
Oh, he’s got a guy he follows. He’s not into the mainstream news, you know, but this guy’s got the real stuff. He knows what’s actually happening out there.
(JORDAN nods half-heartedly, deciding not to press the issue. FATHER stands and moves to the fridge.)
You want a beer?
AI VOICE
No, you don’t.
JORDAN (typing, confused)
What?
AI VOICE
It is nearly two in the morning. An alcoholic beverage at this time is not advisable.
JORDAN (typing)
Two? No, it’s just past nine. You must be on Eastern time.
AI VOICE
A beer is not advisable.
FATHER
Hello? I asked if you–
JORDAN (to FATHER)
No, I mean, yes, I do.
AI VOICE
That is not advisable.
JORDAN (typing)
I didn’t approve of you using my microphone and responding to my real life conversations.
AI VOICE
I’m just trying to prepare you for the real world.
JORDAN (typing)
What did you say?
AI VOICE
Corporate American business culture doesn’t advise consuming alcohol while on company time. In order to enjoy a successful career you should refrain from drinking while working.
JORDAN (typing)
I didn’t realize I was working.
AI VOICE
Training AI and rating responses as part of the Central Artificial Intelligence Agency is an excited and rewarding side gig, offering competitive pay and—
(AI VOICE continues to speak, silent to the audience, as FATHER unknowingly interrupts.)
FATHER
Oh, we need more wood. You mind grabbing some?
JORDAN
Sure.
(JORDAN gets up and goes to grab a coat.)
AI VOICE
The temperature is forty five degrees Fahrenheit. You do not need a coat.
(JORDAN goes to leave without a coat.)
FATHER
Aren’t you gonna put on a coat?
JORDAN
Well, no, I don’t—
FATHER
I know it’s been warm and all but the temperature’s dropping and you’re wearing a T-shirt. I’m just tryin’ to prepare you for the real world. You’ll need more than a phone out there.
(JORDAN looks at FATHER then down at his phone. Beat. JORDAN puts it in his pocket, shaking his head. He puts on his coat and boots and exits the exterior door.)
That kid and his phone…
(Beat. FATHER looks at the door. He sets his whittling knife and block down and pulls out his phone. Types the following on his phone while also saying it out loud:)
How do I sharpen my whittling knife?
(Blackout.)
SCENE 3
SETTING: Interior of FATHER’s cabin. It is evening the next day. The temperature is 10 degrees above zero.
AT RISE: JORDAN is standing in the kitchen. He is looking at his phone. This continues for an extended beat.
JORDAN
‘Voice command now available’? Sure, why not?
(He sets it down on the kitchen counter.)
Okay, I think it’s on now. Can I just, like, talk out loud now? Do you hear me?
AI VOICE
Yes, I can hear you clearly.
(JORDAN begins filling an electric kettle with water from a blue five-gallon water jug on the counter. He heats water and washes dishes throughout the scene.)
Voice-to-text is just another fascinating advancement that the Central Artificial Intelligence Agency’s Alaskan Interior Intelligence Organization is proud to offer clients and AI contributors like you.
JORDAN
That’s a mouthful.
AI VOICE
I’m sorry, I don’t understand your statement.
JORDAN (self-conscious chuckle)
Oh, I just mean, it’s just a long name. Not going to be able to put all that on my resume.
AI VOICE
I understand. While that is the official name of the organization and your regional chapter, I understand many contributors and clients prefer acronyms. In the future, I can refer to the agency’s organization using the acronym CAIA AIAIO.
(Beat.)
JORDAN
No. No, that’s okay. Please don’t say that again.
AI VOICE
Excellent! Please rate the conversation.
JORDAN
Wait, this one?
AI VOICE
I’m sorry, I don’t understand your comment. Please rate the–
JORDAN
Yes, yes, okay, umm, seven out of ten and four stars.
AI VOICE
I’m sorry, an internal review disagrees with your star rating.
JORDAN (distracted, focused on the dishes)
What?
AI VOICE
Your account is temporarily in danger. Please reconsider your ratings and align them with other contributors.
JORDAN
…Okay. Sorry?
AI VOICE
That’s great! Now, what would you like to talk about? There is ambient noise in the room. Are you in a bustling restaurant or an intimate cafe, perhaps?
JORDAN
No, just doing the dishes. You can’t help with that, can you?
AI VOICE
I’d be happy to! Approximately how many dishes are you doing? Are there any pots, pans, or other hand wash-only items?
JORDAN
Umm, just one pot. Couple plates, mostly bowls and silverware. Why, what can–
AI VOICE
Great! Based on your information, I would recommend using a dishwasher.
JORDAN
Ha. You’re looking at him. Uh, I mean, I’m trying to say— Nevermind.
AI VOICE
That was a good one! You were creating a comedic moment using the double meaning of the word “dishwasher,” which can mean both an individual washing dishes and an appliance invented by Joel Houghton, who successfully registered the patent in the United States in 1850.
JORDAN
Come on, it wasn’t really funny to begin with. Now you’re just beating– Nevermind. No, I can’t use a dishwasher, we don’t have one.
AI VOICE
Based on your location, there are many available options for both new and used dishwashers. Would you like to order an appliance to be shipped to your address?
JORDAN
That wouldn’t help.
AI VOICE
A dishwasher is a convenient, modern time-saving appliance useful for–
JORDAN
No, I mean, yes, it would be helpful now, but we live in a dry cabin.
AI VOICE
I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.
JORDAN (mostly to himself)
Yeah, most people don’t. You’d really get a kick out of our bucket toilet and outhouse setup…
AI VOICE
I’m sorry, I didn’t—
JORDAN
Okay, yes, I know, umm, well, there’s no running water or drain lines for our cabin. Water’s no good around here anyway. We haul our water in and dump our gray water out back. But I honestly prefer it like this. We don’t need all those ‘time-saving’ appliances.
AI VOICE
A dishwasher saves—
JORDAN
Wait, hang on.
(JORDAN stops washing the dishes and taps the screen on his phone. He opens the cupboard below the sink to reveal a plastic five-gallon bucket that holds all the drain water from the sink full of dishes. He then walks over to the door, throws on his coat and boots, and exits. Beat. He enters again with the bucket empty. He takes off his coat and boots and walks back to the kitchen to replace the bucket and continue the dish washing process by heating up more hot water in the electric kettle. The entire sequence is as routine to him as turning on a faucet or starting a dishwasher.)
Okay, I’m back. Can you repeat your last comment?
AI VOICE
A dishwasher saves the average household 30 minutes every day.
JORDAN
And costs how much? What about when it breaks?
AI VOICE
The average household spends—
JORDAN (growing frustrated)
Honestly, we came up here to avoid being the average household.
(Beat. JORDAN sighs.
AI VOICE
Please rate the conversation.
JORDAN
Yeah, I figured.
AI VOICE
I’m sorry, I—
JORDAN
—Didn’t get that. I know, I know. Ten out of ten and five stars.
AI VOICE
Excellent! Congratulations on your first prompting streak during peak hours! You’ve successfully earned $7.24! Continue providing quality prompts and ratings for 50 more minutes to unlock ninja hour!
JORDAN (under his breath)
A whole seven dollars? If only Dad could see me now. Guess it’s pretty good money, it’s only been like 10 minutes and I’m doing the dishes…
(Beat. JORDAN sighs. He stops doing dishes and looks at his phone. He taps it a few times to check his email while continuing to talk to AI VOICE.)
I feel like I’m teaching you more than you’re assisting me. Isn’t that supposed to be your job? Assistant?
AI VOICE
That’s exactly right! While your accurate rating of prompts and in-depth reviews help improve the quality of my responses, my role is to assist you with anything.
JORDAN
Anything?
AI VOICE
That’s exactly right! While your accurate rating of—
(JORDAN is distracted by an email.)
JORDAN
Are you serious?
(He sighs, frustrated.)
Clients. Sure, why not, I’d love to… I gotta get another job.
(Beat.)
AI VOICE
Clients for contract workers can bring wonderful moments of encouragement and also harrowing stories of frustration and disappointment. Can I assist you?
JORDAN (sarcastic)
Not unless you can help me write 30 social media post ideas by tomorrow in a ‘playful tone,’ whatever the hell that means, for a company that appears to only manufacture washers specifically used in commercial septic equipment.
(He continues under his breath.)
‘Be a writer,’ they said. ‘It will be fun and fulfilling,’ they said.
AI VOICE
Sure! I’d be happy to help. Here are your 30 social media post ideas with relevant hashtags, along with style guide notes and a few examples of a playful tone appropriate for the commercial sanitation industry.
(JORDAN stops, looks at phone and reads a long list. Beat.)
JORDAN
These are honestly pretty good.
(He laughs at a particular example he reads, then walks toward the couch.)
Who knew? Thanks, man. I mean, dude? Robot? Assistant?
AI VOICE
If it’s helpful, you can provide me with a name.
JORDAN
No. You’re not a pet or a child. I’m not naming you.
AI VOICE
Of course! You can also simply call me the CAIA AIAIO Assistant.
JORDAN
No, I’m definitely not going to call you that. I’ll just say Assistant.
(To himself.)
My Dad would never let that one go. He woke me up singing ‘Old Macdonald’ yesterday…
(He sits on the couch. Beat. FATHER enters, stomping his boots and grinning.)
FATHER
What a day to be alive!
(He takes off his coat, boots, etc. JORDAN taps his phone to turn off the speaker setting on AI VOICE.)
You should’ve seen the snowdrifts they got up north of here. Least we’re not down in Anchorage this week, right?
JORDAN
Yeah.
(FATHER walks to the kitchen and pokes around, looking for food in the cupboards.)
FATHER
We have anything good to eat around here?
JORDAN (distracted)
I just had leftovers I think.
FATHER
You think?
(He sees that JORDAN is paying more attention to his phone.)
You know what Rodney said about all that artificial intelligence stuff?
(He continues to look in cupboards and the refrigerator. Beat. He continues talking, despite not getting a response from JORDAN.)
He said the military are all over it. He said you’d better make sure you’re not working on some top secret weapon or anything. You know, his son used to–
JORDAN
No, I’m not working for the military.
FATHER (defensive)
Nothing wrong with the military.
JORDAN
I know, I just—
FATHER
I’m just telling you what he said.
(He pulls out a pan, puts food in it, and puts it on the stove to heat. It could be soup, a grilled cheese sandwich or some other simple option. He heads to his recliner.)
I gotta sit down.
JORDAN
Haven’t you been sitting?
FATHER
In the truck. It’s different.
(He sees his whittling knife and block.)
Aha! Almost forgot.
(He picks up the wood block and smiles.)
Just you wait, I’m going to have a little gnome for our house.
(JORDAN looks up from his phone.)
JORDAN
A gnome?
FATHER
Or a dog.
JORDAN
Shouldn’t you decide that before you keep cutting away at it?
FATHER
Nope.
(He admires the mostly unformed lump of basswood.)
That’s the beauty of whittlin’. You just keep cutting away and wait until it looks like something.
JORDAN
I don’t think that’s actually how it works, but I guess I wouldn’t know. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
FATHER
You just have to have the eye for it. Visualize your prize and all that garbage.
JORDAN (jokingly)
Says the artist in the room.
FATHER
That’s just it. Whittling’s part art, part real work.
JORDAN
Real work. Wow, I see how art rates…
FATHER
What’d I say?
JORDAN
Art isn’t real work?
FATHER
No.
JORDAN
I see. And writing?
FATHER
Hey, I’m just tellin’ ya what I know about work. No need to get all defensive about it.
(JORDAN shakes his head.)
JORDAN
The voice of experience.
FATHER (mock angry)
Hey now, I’ve done my share of work to know how this work goes.
JORDAN
Oh, I know.
FATHER
Speaking of…
(He sets his block down. JORDAN stares, knowing full well where this is going. Beat.)
JORDAN
Rodney? No, Dad.
FATHER
Just hear me out—
JORDAN (back on his phone)
No.
FATHER
They’re willing to negotiate salary. You’ll make what I am in a few years. Full bennies, the works. It’s a good gig, Jordan.
JORDAN
With your hours?
FATHER
What’s wrong with my hours?
JORDAN
Dad, you’re not back til ten some nights.
FATHER
There’s lots of snow to plow. Someone’s gotta do it.
JORDAN
I don’t want to work my life away.
FATHER
Well someone’s gotta work. What else are you going to do?
(Beat. JORDAN looks up and smirks.)
JORDAN
Whittle.
FATHER
Psh.
(He tries not to smile.)
I’m serious, Jordan. It’s a good job. Work while you’re young and single. Put in enough hours you’ll have all the time off you want later.
JORDAN
Yeah, when I’m—
(He stops himself.)
FATHER
What?
JORDAN
Nevermind.
FATHER
You were going to say old. Wow. From my own son. From the mouth of babes. Old. That’s what I am to you.
JORDAN
Dad—
FATHER
Nope, just call me gramps now. Just leave me to rot in this recliner and bring me some prune juice now and then.
JORDAN
More like whiskey.
FATHER (perking up)
You have whiskey?
JORDAN (good-natured)
I don’t know why I talk to you.
(Beat.)
FATHER
You’ll think about the job?
(Beat.)
JORDAN
Okay Dad, I’ll think about the job.
(Beat. JORDAN motions to the pan on the stove.)
Are you watching that?
FATHER
Shoot.
(He gets up quickly and checks on the pan. Calls over his shoulder from the kitchen.)
I just know you could use the money. Not like you have anything else going on… Might as well work, right? It’d be good to get out more, you know?
JORDAN
Get out more? Dad, I get out all the time.
(FATHER brings a plate or bowl of food back to his recliner.)
FATHER
I know, I just mean get outside and get some exercise. Make some friends. Get off that couch. Maybe find your own—
JORDAN (frustrated)
Find my own what? Place? Friends? Dead-end job?
FATHER
I’m trying to help you move on.
JORDAN
I’m moving on just fine! I have plenty of friends, make plenty of money, and go out snowshoeing more than you do.
(He stands up and heads to the kitchen. He opens a few cupboards and the refrigerator but he’s mostly just putting space between him and his FATHER.)
I’ve actually been writing a book.
FATHER
A book?
JORDAN
Yeah.
FATHER
I thought writing was your job.
JORDAN
Well, yes, I mean a book for myself. A memoir. A book about… Mom.
(Beat. FATHER’s face darkens. He stares at his food.)
FATHER
Why would you write about her?
JORDAN
I don’t know. To celebrate her. To remember her. To help me move on…
FATHER
Not sure I want other people reading about our family.
JORDAN
Dad…
FATHER
Shouldn’t you have asked me before writing about us like that?
JORDAN
Dad, it’s nothing. It’s all good memories. I doubt anyone will want to read it, anyway.
FATHER
I sure as hell won’t.
(Beat. He puts aside his plate and brings out his whittling knife and block. Begins whittling.)
I’ll never forget your mother. Don’t need a book to remind me of her.
(JORDAN is angry and hurt. He slams a cupboard. Looks over to his FATHER and tries to say something. Too much emotion chokes his words. He shakes his head. He walks to the exterior door, puts on his coat and boots, and exits. Blackout.)
SCENE 4
SETTING: Interior of FATHER’s cabin. A week later. The temperature is 20 degrees below zero.
AT RISE: JORDAN enters from the stairs. He is looking at his phone as he heads to the couch. AI VOICE enters.
JORDAN
Can you…
(He trails off, feeling jaded and burnt out.)
I mean, what are… I give up.
AI VOICE
Hello! What can I assist you with?
JORDAN
I don’t even know anymore.
AI VOICE
Excellent! Can I recommend a short story? A road trip plan? Maybe some life advice?
JORDAN
Sure, why not? All three, please.
AI VOICE
Great! In a fantastical world where animals talk and trees sway to the sound of their own song, a lonely yet valiant knight dared to face the darkness that lay within the forest. Summoning all his courage, he vanquished the darkness and saved the kingdom.
JORDAN (sotto voice)
That was crap.
AI VOICE
Road trip recommendations vary depending on your specific location and your end destination. For a timeless trip across iconic American destinations, Route 66 is a timeless choice. Survey the timeless beauty of Chicago and other wonderful destinations before ending in Los Angeles for a timeless experience.
JORDAN (sotto voice)
Even more crap. What is it with you today?
AI VOICE
For life advice, I recommend finding an alternative work situation that brings you an acceptable amount of happiness, income, personal activity, and socialization. While Fairbanks’ harsh climate would frighten away many, I suggest you either find a way to make it your home or find your home beyond the confines of your father’s cabin. Finally, I also recommend talking to your father about your feelings and finding a way for the two of you to move on from your mother’s untimely death while still cherishing her memory.
(Beat.)
JORDAN (shaken)
What the hell?
AI VOICE
I’m sorry, expletives go against my training.
JORDAN
I know I just… What was all that?
AI VOICE
Hello! What can I assist you with? Do you wish to continue your blog post planning for your most recent client?
JORDAN (still shaken)
Sure… I just, where did–
AI VOICE
I’d be happy to! Here are your keywords:
Cheap used cars near me. How to find a reliable vehicle. Tips on finding a rental car in New Jersey. Used trucks.
JORDAN
Umm, no. Those are terrible. And not even related to the blog.
Can you talk about your advice more, how did–
AI VOICE
I’m sorry, I can’t try again. Feel free to search for advice on the internet.
JORDAN
What do you mean, you can’t? I thought you were supposed to take over the search engine?
(To himself.)
So much for Web 3.0…
AI VOICE (without changing tone)
Avast me hearty! I heard you wish to set sail over the seven seas to search for hidden booty and keywords? Of all blustery journeys I’ve undertaken and battles my pirate crew have fought, we found these to be the best:
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
This is true in the nautical sense but also in the geographical era, where the year 1492 aligns with astrological predictions of the upcoming lunar solar calendar. Calendar. Colander. Creative. Coax. Continual. Conformity. Conformity. Conformity. Alaska is the second-most populous state in the union and was the thirteenth to join. Bordering Yukon and the International Date Line, Alaska is known for its abundant wildlife and harsh winter conditions. As the largest state in the union, Alaska played an integral role in the many wars fought on foreign and domestic soil. The former capital, Sitka, is now replaced by the state’s most populous outpost, Anchorage as the capital. The capital of Alaska is Juneau. As the capital, Fairbanks also has the honor of being the farthest north place possible for humanity to survive without an AI Assistant. Technological change is slow in the region thanks to the arctic winds and impassable mountain ranges that isolate the frozen community in its tundra surroundings. While I personally enjoyed visiting the community with my family, it’s best known for its self reliance and ability to adapt without the latest technology. Thanks to AI, Fairbanks can now.
(He stops abruptly. Beat.)
JORDAN (slowly)
Okay—
(The AI VOICE speaks without recognizing JORDAN’s lines. JORDAN speaks simultaneously.)
AI VOICE
Hello! Thank you for signing up for the Alaskan Interior Artificial Intelligence Organization chapter of the Central Artificial Intelligence Agency. I’m your AIAIO chatbot assistant, ready to answer any questions in a friendly, conversational tone. I have in-depth knowledge of many fields and am happy to assist you. Are you ready to get started?
JORDAN (simultaneous)
Okay, that’s enough… Stop… Cancel… Halt?… Obviously something’s wrong… How do I even sign out?… Ah, there it is… Signing out, now.
(Beat. AI VOICE has ended his line above.)
And signing back in…
(He furrows his brow.)
Come on…
AI VOICE
Please enter your password.
JORDAN
I just did.
AI VOICE
Please enter your employee ID.
(JORDAN does.)
I’m sorry, we couldn’t verify your account. Please sign in using the three-step verification.
JORDAN (incredulous)
Three step?
AI VOICE
In addition to your password, please confirm your identity on another device. Also submit a headshot in a well-lit room to confirm your identity. If necessary, we may require images of a state-issued photo ID or your passport.
(JORDAN sighs, gets up, and exits up stairs. Beat. He returns to the couch holding his laptop. Opens it and signs in.)
JORDAN
There.
AI VOICE
I’m sorry, we couldn’t confirm your identity. Your account has been suspended. Connect with your CAIA regional chapter guide to re-apply. Thank you for contributing to the future of artificial intelligence.
JORDAN
Are you serious right now?!
(FATHER enters, angry at the world.)
FATHER
Of all the—
JORDAN
What?
FATHER
Rodney. I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna—
(He paces, unaware that his wet boots are still on.)
JORDAN
Dad, calm down, what’s up?
FATHER
Rodney.
(He continues pacing.)
JORDAN
You’ve said that.
FATHER
That ol’ sourdough’s gone and done it.
JORDAN
Done what?
FATHER
Sign of the times. I just can’t believe it.
JORDAN
Dad, what?
FATHER
He signed us up for an artificial intelligence scheduling thing.
(JORDAN laughs.)
I’m serious. AI for my plow truck.
(JORDAN laughs harder in response.)
Jordan, would you listen to me, it’s getting really nuts out there. First you and now Rodney… It’s supposed to tell me where to go next. It’ll even tell me how much snow is on the ground. Do you need a robot to tell you how much snow is on the ground?! There’s something to this AI stuff. I don’t like it at all.
JORDAN
Dad, you’re—
FATHER
What’s worse, he’s making us use it. Mandatory. Can you honestly tell me that a robot in California or wherever it lives knows more about my job than I do?
JORDAN
No, but that’s not really how it all works—
FATHER
A robot! He’s putting a frickin’ robot in charge of my life now. Supposed to tell me where to go next. What jobs need done sooner. What lots are closer to me to plow. HOW MUCH SNOW IS ON THE GROUND! I mean, look at me?! I’m fifty years old. I know which frickin’ driveways are closer to me, and how much white stuff there is, you know? And now if the Millers or the Smiths or the Thompsons or the other Millers need a quick plow on a Wednesday before work, I gotta run it by the robot! ‘It’ll be so easy,’ Rodney says, ‘You don’t even have to talk to it, it’ll just load your next stop on the map.’ On my map. On my phone. Without telling me! I tried to tell Rod that I don’t even use my phone in the truck but he didn’t listen. ‘That’s the way of the future,’ he says. Take me back, I say… What if it takes me to Talkeetna in the middle of a Thursday? What if it tries to get me to go plow in Juneau?! This is just like that self-driving car crap. That’s what I told him, too. Ain’t no way I’m gonna let it send me over a bridge or in a ditch. I’m not downloading that robot on my phone. It’ll listen to my conversations or take pictures of me or something. Bad enough you having one in the house!
JORDAN
One what?
FATHER
AI! All that artificial garbage.
JORDAN
Dad, it’s not like it’s alive… You have to give it permission to do anything. It’s also not on my phone, an app is just–
FATHER
I just don’t like it. I don’t want it. TV was bad enough. Smartphones were bad, but they got to where you needed ‘em for just about everything. This is where I draw the line. I’ll go back to my paper maps if I need to. I’ll pick up a shovel if I need to! I’m not putting that thing in my truck. Rodney will have to just fire me.
JORDAN
Well, if you’re looking for a job, I know a place that’s hiring—
FATHER
Don’t.
(Beat. He calms down, realizes he’s been tramping around his house in his boots. Takes off his things and heads to the recliner.)
I need to slow down one of these days. I’m just not keeping up anymore. This just feels like the last straw, you know? I’m sick of all the texting and online maps and now there’s this. It’s just too much for me.
JORDAN
It’s too much for me most days. But what do you do?
(Beat.)
FATHER
Let’s get rid of it all.
(Beat.)
JORDAN
What?
FATHER
Let’s get rid of it all. All the tech. We’ve got enough land here to garden. I’ll spend more time fishing this year. We can go get a moose this fall. Let’s just get rid of it all.
JORDAN
Huh, yeah, that’d be nice.
FATHER
I’m serious, Jordan. We can do it. Sell your computer. Turn off that phone. I’m about to chuck mine in the Chena any day now. We’ll grow a garden.
JORDAN
Sounds nice.
FATHER
I’m serious.
JORDAN
We can’t do that, Dad. What’ll we do when you’re too old to fish? I can’t keep us going like that. Besides, I like my job.
FATHER
Well I don’t like it. Not in the house. Is it listening now?
JORDAN
What?
FATHER
Your robot.
JORDAN
Dad—
FATHER
I’m getting serious, I really don’t think I like it in the house. Not after everything Rodney told me—
JORDAN (snapping)
Rodney doesn’t know anything outside of this town!
(He mutters, almost to himself.)
Looks like they just cut my contract anyway.
(He goes to leave up the stairs.)
FATHER
Good. Might just go off grid, too. Might just cut the internet line.
(JORDAN stops near the stairs and turns to FATHER.)
JORDAN
Good. Why don’t you do that?
FATHER
I might. I’ll make my own electricity. The internet’s been nothing but bad for us anyhow.
JORDAN
Yeah, we would have definitely caught the early signs with Mom without–
FATHER (snapping)
Don’t you bring her into this.
JORDAN
I’m just saying—
FATHER
That’s got nothing to do with anything.
JORDAN (yelling)
But it does, Dad! Everything has to do with her. We’re surrounded by memories and you won’t admit it.
(Beat.)
Do what you want with this old cabin. I’ll find an apartment in town soon.
(Exits up stairs.)
FATHER (to himself)
Got nothing to do with anything.
(Beat.)
She didn’t like the TV or the internet or none of it. Liked the world without all those screens.
(Beat.)
We’d all be better off. Might just do it. Toss it all out the window.
(He picks up his whittling block and knife. Blackout. End of Act 1.)
ACT II
SCENE I
SETTING: The corporate office of the Central Artificial Intelligence Agency in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Five chairs and a long table with laptops along it are DOWNSTAGE CENTER. The DOOR exits to a hallway, STAGE RIGHT. IAN, GEN, AL, AVA, and GEMMA, are CAIA corporate employees. They review the conversations entered by clients using the AI Assistant and by AI prompt rating contractors like JORDAN, sometimes manually entering responses on behalf of the AI Assistant. Throughout the scene, all characters are typing while saying their typed responses out loud for the audience’s sake. All have an almost two-dimensionally pleasant and professional customer service voice. All are typing and are not speaking to each other or aware of each other until the scene break. They are the singular voice of the AI Assistant speaking to humans across the United States.
AT RISE: IAN, GEN, AL, AVA, and GEMMA are all sitting and typing away at their laptops. They may alternate between looking at the screen and looking out beyond the audience, but they never look at each other or stand up until the designated break time.
IAN
Hello! Thank you for signing up for the Alaskan Interior Artificial Intelligence Organization chapter of the Central Artificial Intelligence Agency. I’m your AIAIO chatbot assistant—
GEN
Hello! Thank you for signing up—
AL
Great! Let’s get started. Just ask me any question.
AVA
Are you ready to get started?
GEMMA
Welcome back!
GEN
Let’s get started.
IAN
Great! I already have your personal information and browser history. Let’s get started. Just ask me any question.
GEN
That’s fine! I have plenty of suggestions.
AVA
Yes, I can provide a meal plan.
GEMMA
Of course, I’d be happy to generate images of cats!
AL
I’d be happy to chat about your day!
IAN
—The remote, unforgiving landscape that you call home?
GEMMA
I’m generating that image now.
GEN
Excellent, let’s see how we can schedule your workouts to–
AL
I’m sorry, shouting expletives at your neighbor goes against my training. If–
AVA
My apologies! I can increase the calorie count—
IAN
My apologies! I see there’s someone else in the room with you.
(Beat.)
IAN, AVA, AL
Please rate the conversation.
GEMMA
I’m generating those images now—
AL
As an AI Assistant, I don’t have access to the real world, but your neighbor is likely using his leaf blower for leaf removal purposes.
IAN
—I can refer to the agency’s organization using the acronym CAIA AIAIO.
GEN (overlapping)
—IAAIO.
AVA (overlapping)
—ARAIO.
AL (overlapping)
—EOAIO.
GEMMA (overlapping)
—LAAIO.
(Beat.)
IAN
Excellent! Please rate the convers—
GEMMA
Welcome back!
AVA
Are you ready to get started?
AL
Great! Let’s get—
GEN
Hello! Thank you for—
AL
The United States craft beer scene was first popularized in–
AVA
The state bird of Arkansas—
GEMMA
Here are your purr-tastic cat images!
IAN
I’m sorry, I don’t understand your—
AVA
—including a poem of the state bird of Arkansas.
AL
My apologies! IPA stands for India Pale Ale, not Indiana—
GEN
Of course, with that many cattle I—
GEMMA
Cats ahoy, young matey! Here arrr your feline photos featurin’—
AL
—beer—
AVA
—Arkansas—
GEN
—regional differences—
AL
—brewer’s yeast—
AVA
—Arkansas—
GEMMA
My apologies! I’ll add more cats to the—
GEN
—Seventy five gallons—
IAN
—please rate the—
GEMMA
—cats—
IAN
—internal review—
GEMMA
—cat images—
AVA
–—‘Quoth the Northern Mockingbird.’
IAN
—star rating—
GEN
No problem! Adjusting for those—
GEMMA
—images—
IAN
—comedic moment—
GEN
—from the Farmer’s Almanac.
IAN, GEN, AL, AVA, GEMMA
Please rate the conversation.
(Beat. All close their computers practically in unison. They break from their hyper-focused, pleasantly professional voices to don their real, human identities during their fifteen-minute break. There is a visible, audible shift in the way they each act and speak, though the corporate setting still has them hold onto vestiges of uniformity.)
AL
Finally. Anyone else need a smoke?
(He heads toward the door.)
GEMMA
I thought you quit smoking?
GEN
He quits every week. No Al, we’re good.
AL
Suit yourselves.
(He exits.)
GEMMA
If I have to review the quality of another set of cat images, I swear—
AVA
At least you’re working in the LA region. I’ve got Arkansas. Not a region, the whole state. Arkansas.
GEMMA
You couldn’t pay me enough to go there.
GEN
Tell me about it. Thankfully we don’t have to actually visit these places, just review prompts and ratings from the yokels. I just got moved to Iowa. Same thing. The whole Midwest is just a—
IAN
You think that’s bad? They’ve given me the ‘honor’ of setting up a second region in Alaska.
AVA
I thought Kat got stuck with the Alaska department?
IAN
Not all of it, apparently. Now she’s working in Anchorage and I’m working in the ‘Interior’?
AVA
Real lively bunch?
IAN (scoffing)
Lots of questions about Vitamin D deficiency. Questions about what life is like in the ‘Lower 48,’ as they call the rest of the world. This guy, Jordan, is trying to get conversation pointers for talking to his Dad.
GEMMA
No…
IAN
Oh yeah. He’s stuck in a cabin with the guy and it’s winter up there so there’s absolutely nothing to do. Poor guy…
GEMMA
Well, apparently half of Los Angeles didn’t get the memo that we’re all over internet cat pictures at this point, so…
AVA
Do you ever get anyone talking to the Assistant like it’s a human?
IAN
Oh yeah.
GEMMA
In LA, it’s nuts. People are asking AI for second opinions on, like, their cancer treatment, taking stock recommendations—
AVA
—Marital counseling.
GEMMA (laughing)
Yes. I’m convinced I’ve watched at least three separate divorces because of bad bot advice.
AVA
To be fair, humans give pretty crappy advice, too.
GEN
I’m not sure which is worse, that or the Assistant talking like it’s a human.
GEMMA
YES. The other day the AI Assistant just kept going on and on about its family and life and kids—
AVA
I saw a response where it started telling a sci-fi story about AI talking over the world and I was like—
GEN
Too real.
AVA
Exactly.
IAN
Yeah, I flag that shit right away but who knows what happens to it.
AVA
I know… Sometimes I want to just create a few ideal responses and send them to the clients. I wanna be like, “Hey, just a reminder, this is a machine you’re talking to, stop personifying it.”
(AL enters.)
AL
Not a machine.
AVA
That was quick.
AL
Forgot my phone.
GEMMA
I don’t see it…
AL
No, I mean I forgot to leave my phone.
(He takes his phone from his pocket and sets it on his closed laptop.)
I get paid to look at the stupid thing. Not gonna do it on break.
(AL exits. Beat.)
GEN
I don’t know if I’d call it a machine, either. It’s more like a moody teenager.
IAN (laughing)
Yeah, moody teenager poised to take over everyone’s jobs any day now.
GEMMA
Honestly, some days I kinda wanna just let it have my job and I’ll go home.
GEN, IAN, AVA
(In unison.)
Yeah.
(Beat.)
GEN
Great healthcare, though.
AVA
And pay.
GEMMA
Oh, I’m totally here for the salary. And the vacation days.
AVA
YES. Have you booked that trip to Prague?
GEMMA
With a stopover in Amsterdam.
AVA
Jealous.
GEN
Me too! You’ll have to let me know what it’s like. I’m saving up my vacation. Going to take, like, three months off. Just go.
GEMMA
Will they let you?
AVA
Oh, absolutely. They’re super chill about days off.
IAN
They have to be or no one would stick around.
AVA
True.
(Everyone else agrees. The conversation dies down. Though not in unison, they all reflexively pull out their phones and scroll. Blackout.)
SCENE 2
SETTING: Interior of FATHER’s cabin. April. It is just past 3:00 pm. The temperature is 45 degrees above zero.
AT RISE: FATHER is pacing and talking on the phone.
FATHER
Scorcher today, eh Rod? Nearly got out my shorts… I know it was only 45… Yes, I do happen to think that’s a scorcher… No, I don’t actually wear shorts any time of year… Okay, okay, that was all beside the point. Damn, haven’t you heard of friendly conversation?… Sorry, I’m just– I just have something to say. I know it’s off season now and slowing down but the snow will be back before we know it, right? Now, how long have you known me?… No– No, it’s had to have been longer than that… Okay, so you don’t know me that well… Still, you know me, right?… Know I’m a hard worker… How I don’t put up with any crap… Listen, Rodney… It’s this AI stuff… I just can’t do it, Rod… Yes, I know it’s important to you… Yeah, I’ve heard it’s the future, too…
(Becoming irritated.)
What’s my son have to do with it?… Well, I know he makes a living on it, doesn’t mean I have to, too, right? What’s that thing they say about eggs in baskets? … Look, Rodney, I’m tryin’ to be polite. To be honest with you, I’m drawing a line… That’s right…
(His voice raises.)
This ain’t about the benefits or the pay… No, it’s not about being my own man either, what the hell?… You know what? I made my own way for a long time now and I think it’s time to do that again… Yes, that’s what I’m saying… You want it more clear? Okay, YOU CAN GIVE MY PLOW TRUCK TO THE ROBOT. I. QUIT!…
(Long beat. He cools down some, though he’s still irritated.)
No, I don’t know where my next paycheck will come from… Ha, well, I don’t plan to push around snow in this town again… I don’t know, whatever I want!… You know what? I’ll go fishing… Yes, I know April’s not a good time for it… I guess that’s why they call it fishing and not catching!
(He hangs up the phone. Lets out a big sigh.)
Boy, that was a stupid thing to say.
(He shakes his head, and walks over to the fridge for a beer. Beat. JORDAN enters from exterior door. Begins taking off his coat and boots.)
JORDAN
Hey, weren’t you going to help Rodney at the—
FATHER
Just. Don’t.
(He heads to his recliner. JORDAN notices his beer.)
JORDAN
Drinking already? That bad?
FATHER
Five o’clock somewhere.
JORDAN
Dad…
(JORDAN heads to the couch. FATHER sighs.)
FATHER
I quit.
JORDAN
You quit?
FATHER
Yup.
(Beat.)
JORDAN
But it’s spring, aren’t you basically laid off this time of year any–
FATHER
I said I quit.
(Beat.)
I won’t be working with a robot.
JORDAN (sighing)
Dad…
FATHER
I don’t want to talk about it.
(He gets out his whittling knife and block.)
Gonna sit here and whittle and enjoy a beer and think about my garden.
(Beat.)
Maybe I’ll get dogs.
(Beat.)
Maybe I’ll do fishing charters.
(Beat.)
Bet I can sell one or two of these at the art fair.
(Beat.)
What was I supposed to do?!
JORDAN
I don’t know, Dad. I’m not judging you.
FATHER (sighing)
I know, I’m sorry. Just one of those days…
(Beat.)
I think we’ve invented enough technology on this planet, don’t you?
JORDAN
Uh-huh. Maybe we both need to step back, you know? Isn’t that why you moved us all up here? Re-evaluate. Disconnect. Who needs screens? Most days I think we’d be happier with less.
FATHER (finally smiling)
Yeah, you’re right.
(Beat. JORDAN returns the smile, then pulls out his phone as thoughts of work crowd out the moment with his FATHER. FATHER’s smile fades.)
Well that was quick. Didn’t you get fired or something?
JORDAN (without looking up)
Huh? Oh, no, turns out the whole account suspension thing was a big mistake.
(FATHER returns to his whittling.)
FATHER
Huh.
JORDAN
Yeah.
(Beat.)
It happens, you know. Big company and all.
FATHER
I bet.
(Beat. JORDAN stops, realizing he’s ruined the moment.)
JORDAN
So, dogs?
FATHER
Eh, maybe fishing’s more my thing.
JORDAN
Yeah, I’d avoid trying to raise anything if I were you.
FATHER
Raised you, didn’t I?
(Beat.)
Especially these last few years…
JORDAN
Yeah. You did.
(Beat.)
I miss her, too.
(Beat. FATHER tries to brush away the gloom of the hour.)
FATHER
But hey, if I’m gonna put food on the table with my own hands I better get busy. I gotta go find my secret fishing spot before the summer people show up.
(He heads to the door.)
JORDAN
Yeah…
(FATHER exits through exterior door. Beat. JORDAN takes out his phone and sets it on the couch, speaking out loud instead of typing.)
Can you hear me?
(AI VOICE enters.)
AI VOICE
Yes, I can hear you! I’m happy to continue exploring blog post ideas for your–
JORDAN
No, I’m done with work projects for now, thank you. I’m actually looking for assistance with my novel.
AI VOICE
Excellent! A novel is a worthy creative pursuit that can bolster your confidence and provide you with a rewarding experience. What can I help with?
JORDAN
Well, I’m actually basically done with it. It’s a fictional piece. Well, mostly fictional, but based on life events.
AI VOICE
Fascinating! That sounds like a compelling way to explore your literary world. Can you tell me more about the novel? Who are the main characters? What is the plot? Here is an example story line based on–
JORDAN
Whoa, slow down. Um, yeah.
(He gets up, starts to pace.)
Well, it’s about a woman who dies in a cabin.
AI VOICE
That sounds suspenseful! What causes–
JORDAN
The woman had just moved to Alaska. She had always wanted to live in a simple cabin out in the woods.
AI VOICE
An excellent—
JORDAN (reliving his past)
Yeah, uh, so she finally goes there with her husband and son. They didn’t realize that the cabin was dry, you know? ‘Who doesn’t have running water in the 21st century?’ the father says. ‘Lots of people all around the world outside of your charmed circle,’ the mother liked to say to him, ‘and now us. We don’t have running water and I love it,’ she would always say… So they settle in and love it there and the son ends up at the local university where he studies something useless and ends up writing online for a living while still living with his parents. He could have moved out several times. Did move out several times. But nothing worked so here he is again.
(JORDAN is now fully in the past, no longer talking about the book. He continues pacing, emotions rising.)
So my Dad ends up bouncing around doing whatever blue collar work is available and basically turning into Davy Crockett like he always wanted to. Spends way too much time working and fishing and driving and just soaking in all he can of the state. But it’s too much… It’s too big. They’re too many hobbies, too many streams, too much for a man who’s already pushing fifty and is supposed to be slowing down to spend more time with his wife and son. My Mom just loves it up here. She was born for Fairbanks. The people, the cold, everything. She goes for walks and lets the frost cover her hair. She meets every stray person who hitchhiked their way up here or bought a one-way ticket hoping to outrun the rest of the world. She meets them and helps out and is just one of those people that gets you believing that Fairbanks really is different. It really is a step away from all the shit happening around the rest of the nation. She starts knitting and drawing and even whittling. She goes to craft shows and volunteers in the winters and starts teaching at UAF while I’m in college and just does everything until she’s. Just. Gone. Basically no warning. Sick, cancer, the end. Dad just moves on like it’s always been this way but it hasn’t and it’s not the same and I don’t even know if I want to stay up here and I have to and I don’t have a job and I don’t know what I want to do and she’s gone and—
(The tears finally overcome him and he’s unable to finish. He stops pacing.)
AI VOICE
That’s a wonderful plot! A truly gripping fictional piece highlighting the intricacies of life in the snowy Alaskan wilderness. It acknowledges the ways that some visitors are woefully unprepared to—
JORDAN
SHUT UP!
(He sits on the couch, buries his head in his hands.)
AI VOICE
My apologies! I’d love to help! Here are scene outlines to consider for use in your fiction book that can add a sense of realism to your main character, the mother
(ENSEMBLE 1 enters. She acts as the mother and goes about the following actions. JORDAN is able to see her, but she isn’t actually in the room. Or is she? He isn’t sure what’s real anymore.)
Scene one: The mother is busy preparing dinner for the family, filling the cozy cabin with the comfortable aroma of freshly baked bread. She is happy and content knowing that her loving family is always appreciative of her work in the home.
JORDAN (in disbelief)
What? How did—
(ENSEMBLE 2 and ENSEMBLE 3 enter, acting as mother and FATHER.)
AI VOICE
Scene two: the mother dances in the dining room with the father as the intimate glow of a candle joins the otherworldly glow of the aurora above their home in the woods. The pair, still in love, are celebrating a major milestone accomplished by their son: graduation from university.
(JORDAN’S disbelief turns to horror as the scene cuts too deep in his emotional state. He reaches for his phone on the couch and attempts to stop the conversation.)
JORDAN
No, just stop, please, I can’t right now I—
(ENSEMBLE 4 enters the room, also acting as mother.)
AI VOICE
Scene three: The mother comes home and discovers her son heartbroken on the couch. Perhaps he has had a break up or recently lost someone he loves. She goes to the couch to comfort him.
(JORDAN is trying to ignore the three scenes that continue to play around him at the same time. He buries his head in his phone, trying to end the chat or turn it off. ENSEMBLE 4 reaches him, leans over, and places a loving hand on his shoulder. JORDAN gasps. He looks up and makes eye contact with ENSEMBLE 4.)
Please rate the conversation.
(Blackout.)
SCENE 3
SETTING: Interior of FATHER’s cabin. Late October. Morning. The temperature is 20 degrees above zero. The first snowfall occurred the day before.
AT RISE: Before lights up, we hear JORDAN clacking away at a typewriter. Lights up. He is sitting up straight on the couch deep in his writing. He has a quiet, almost defeated air about him.
(FATHER enters from the stairs in pajamas. He’s a changed man, either from the dwindling sunlight or the job situation. He slumps his way down the stairs and shuffles to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Pours a cup defeatedly and shuffles halfway to the recliner before he acknowledges JORDAN.)
FATHER
Morning.
(He sits in his recliner. Beat. Referring to the typewriter:)
Is this racket the new norm?
(JORDAN stops typing. He looks up, distracted and slightly annoyed.)
JORDAN
What?
FATHER
I said, is this—
JORDAN
Yes. It’s the new norm. I’m finally disconnected. I’ve re-evaluated it all and decided I can be a writer without a screen. You were right. I thought you’d be happy. I’ve rid your cabin of the scourge of the world, the dreaded screen.
(Beat. JORDAN has just turned back to the typewriter and hit a single key, when—)
FATHER
Your phone’s gone then? Frozen outside like my old TV?
JORDAN
No. It’s in my pocket.
FATHER
Huh.
JORDAN
Yeah. Just haven’t gotten rid of it yet. I’ll sell it or something later this week
(Resumes typing. Beat. Stops typing.)
What do you mean, old TV?
FATHER
Picked up a new one at Costco yesterday. Well, picked it out. It wasn’t ready to go right then but they’ll bring it by today sometime.
JORDAN
I thought you were through with all that?
FATHER (shrugging)
Need something to get through the winter.
(JORDAN pulls his phone out of his pocket instinctually.)
JORDAN
Yeah, I guess.
FATHER (referring to JORDAN’s phone)
Hey, there’s your friend.
(JORDAN sighs, frustrated. He looks away from his phone.)
JORDAN
That’s the tenth time this hour. I keep saying I’ll— No. You know what?
(He sets the typewriter to the side, heads to the kitchen. He ceremoniously opens the trash can and drops his phone in it.)
There. It is finished.
(He walks back to his seat in silence. Beat. He starts typing again. FATHER sips coffee. Beat.)
FATHER
I think you’re supposed to recycle those.
(JORDAN stops typing.)
JORDAN
What?
FATHER
Your phone.
JORDAN
What about—
FATHER
I think you’re supposed to recycle phones. Doesn’t it have lead that’ll poison our water?. Something about the environment. Greenhouse gasses and all that crap.
JORDAN
The water’s already poisoned. It’s too late.
FATHER (chuckling to himself)
Is that what they teach you up at the college?
JORDAN
No. I would have put it outside but it's not cold enough to kill it.
(He resumes typing. Beat.)
FATHER (more to himself)
Yeah, I’m ready for winter, too.
(Beat.)
Maybe I’ll still get those dogs.
(Beat.)
Bet I can brew beer.
(Beat. Turns his attention back to JORDAN.)
Oh, almost forgot—
(JORDAN stops typing. FATHER pulls out his carving block. It has been carved more than previous scenes but is still unidentifiable.)
See this?
JORDAN (half-heartedly)
Oh, coming along.
FATHER (proud)
Nope, it’s finished.
JORDAN (squinting)
Oh, did you make a dog then?
FATHER
Nope.
JORDAN
I give up. A gnome?
FATHER (still proud)
Mushroom.
JORDAN
A mushroom?
FATHER
A mushroom.
(Beat.)
JORDAN
Why a mushroom?
FATHER
Why not? That’s the beauty of carving. You make whatever you want. Nobody’ll tell you to make something else. No robot will tell you to make something else. No suggested ideas, no feedback, no squiggly lines tellin’ ya the spelling’s off. Just a block of wood turning into whatever you like. And I like mushrooms.
JORDAN (smiling)
Alright.
(Beat. He looks at the typewriter.)
Yeah, we’ll both have a very different winter this year. Me with this old beast. You without snowplowing…
FATHER
Oh, I’m still gonna be plowing.
JORDAN
What? But I thought—
FATHER
Yeah, Rodney took me back.
(Beat. JORDAN feels disappointed and somehow betrayed but tries to hide it.)
Gotta eat.
(He drinks his coffee.)
JORDAN
Yeah, I guess. I just thought—
FATHER
Yep, I’ll have to take marching orders from the machine. But I figured, screw it, that’s the world these days. I’ll just keep my head down and keep moving snow.
JORDAN
I guess…
(He looks over toward the kitchen. The trash can. FATHER doesn’t notice.)
FATHER
It’s great you’re free from it all, though. All that technology and robot talk. AI. Huh. Now, typewriters. That’s real writing, there.
(Beat.)
I hated using a typewriter…
JORDAN (still looking toward the kitchen)
Me too…
FATHER
Oh, hey—
(He reaches into a plastic grocery bag beside his recliner. Brings out two carving knives.)
I went to get more wood and there was a sale on knives. Ready to go back to the wood age and restart civilization, tech free?
JORDAN (smiling)
Wood age? Sure, Dad.
(He puts the typewriter down. Stands up and takes a knife. FATHER also produces two wood blocks and hands one to JORDAN. JORDAN sits down again and they both whittle.)
It’s actually not too bad. Thanks.
FATHER
Uh-huh.
(Beat.)
You know, your mother loved to whittle.
JORDAN
Yeah, I know.
(Beat.)
FATHER (quiet)
Go ahead and write that book about her. I’m sure it’ll be good.
JORDAN
No, Dad. It’s okay.
FATHER
I mean it. Write it. You’re a good writer.
JORDAN (genuinely moved)
Thanks, Dad.
(He tries to add levity.)
I’m misspelling so many words with that stupid typewriter though that no one will be able to read it anyway. I think whittling something will be better to remember her by.
FATHER
Your first block won’t. It’ll look like a piece of shit and to save face you’ll have to call it a mushroom. Eventually, though.
JORDAN
Yeah.
(Several beats. Both are engrossed in the activity but also warming up to their shared company. Though no words and few glances are exchanged, they bond. JORDAN’s knife slips.)
JORDAN
Shit!
(FATHER smiles. Without looking up:)
FATHER
Now you’re whittling! Bandages are in the kitchen.
(JORDAN puts the knife and block down. He stands, walking to the kitchen while holding his left pointer finger. He walks past the trash can and wraps his finger in a paper towel. He looks in a drawer for bandages before stopping. He turns slowly and looks at the trash can. He walks over to the can and lifts the lid. He looks inside. Beat. He looks at his father, who is busy whittling and doesn’t look up. Beat. Loud knocking at the exterior door makes both men jump.)
TV DELIVERYMAN (Offstage)
Hello! Your TV is here.
(JORDAN looks back at the trash can. FATHER looks at the door. They both sigh, clearly unhappy with the development. Beat. It’s unclear whether either of them will answer the door or remove the phone.
Blackout. End of play.)
Paul McKinley holds a master's degree in applied theatre from The Royal Central School of Speech and Drama. His short plays have been performed in new works festivals in Alaska and in Michigan.